Growing Up & Growing Old

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. Although Audrey did dance with Caroline this past year, Brendan would bum around with me and I kind of felt with him not doing an activity that they were still little. Audrey was just following along because of Caroline.

I've always felt like there's so much ahead of us. I always new with each child there would be another to follow. I've kept clothes, extra diapers, bottles, sippy cups, bibs, binkys and all the other toys and necessitites that come with having babies and little ones. I'm now in a place where I no longer need any of it once the twins outgrow it~and outgrow it they do! So fast that I'm dizzy. With the excitement of the milestones they are making comes sadness. I'm sad to not be having any other children, although I also don't want to have any more children. I have all that I can handle. Yet everytime I see a baby I long for another. I think because it's kept me young. Now we have no where to go but for the kids to grow up and us to grow old. The twins are three and potty trained. It went by so fast. Although Audrey did dance with Caroline this past year, Brendan would bum around with me and kind of felt with him not doing an activity that they were still little. Audrey was just following along because of Caroline. I decided to sign Brendan and Audrey up for "nymnastics" (as Audrey calls it) and they took their own little class together. The first day I cried (out of sight of the other mothers of course). I cried because this means they are more independent and no longer babies. In a couple of months I will actually have that coveted "time to myself" when they go to preschool. I'm not actually sure I want this time.

Then I look at the others. Patrick is 9. I can remember when I brought him to the same gymnastics class 6+ years ago. Sean would run around the viewing area and I would be stressed trying to settle him and keep him away from the stairs. Where has that time gone? I long for that stress again. It was so much less than I am dealing with now. I never thought he would be 9 and Sean would be 7 and I would have three more. I feel as though I have not done enough with him and Sean since the others have come along. I feel that I haven't played with any of them enough and I'm losing my chance. If these first 9 years have gone this fast, I'm going to look back in no time at the next 9 years when they are starting to move on. My heart breaks at the thought. I feel like 9 years has gone by and all I've done is worry that I can't get anything done around the house, yell because of it and not spend enough time playing and just being a fun mom.

With all the growing up going on around the house, and although I feel I don't spend enough time with the kids, I ignore my parents as well.

Tonight I was unable to reach them at any phone~Milton, Humarock or their cell. After calling my brothers, who had also not spoken to them in several days, I decided to take a ride to Humarock to see if they were there. They were and they were fine~but they're not perfectly fine. After telling them why I was there and having them call my brothers to let them know they were ok, I chatted for a bit. A very important piece of info. to all of this is that my father LOVES Humarock. It is his soul. We have gone there since I was born~they purchased the cottage 6 months before I was born. He LOVES the beach and he LOVES the water. They informed me that they had been there all week. I asked my father if he had been to the beach and in the water at all. His response shocked me..."it's not the same anymore". When I asked him what he meant, although deep down I knew what he meant, he said that his breathing is so bad that he's unable to get there. He has emphysema. The house is only 4 houses away. That's how bad his breathing is. He can't walk the short distance to enjoy what he loves most. It was shocking and heartbreaking. My father has NEVER admitted he couldn't do something because of his health, especially something he LOVES so much. It must be killing him to be down there and not be able to get to the beach. His only reason for going anymore is to see the kids enjoy it now. That was so apparent. He mentioned that they were hoping I would have been down one day with the kids. Typically I am but have been busy running the kids back and forth to camps and with work (which I'm hating by the way, but that's a story for another day) was unable to make it down the past two weeks.

I feel that life is moving so fast and that even I cannot think of myself as young anymore. I'm not. I don't have little kids really. I'm going to be one of the older moms at preschool next year. I'm going to be the one with my youngest at the school and I don't like where I will be in the order of moms. OLD. I'm going to be the one with the older, wiser, fresher preschoolers because of their older siblings. The ones the first time moms won't want their kids playing with because they'll think they are so misbehaved and fresh. Maybe they are a little~but because they are older than the average 3 year old.

I wish I could stop my kids from growing up and I wish I could stop my parents (and me) from growing old. Time is too short and too precious.