Where I Begin to See the Light

Tonight I was reading the blog post of a blogger (http://www.piningfornordstrom.com/ ) I enjoy. She is very honest in her posts but also, unlike me, very funny. She puts a humorous spin on almost everything. In addition to enjoying her humor she, like me, has five kids. I also enjoy her blog because I feel I can relate to many of the things she writes about. Her latest post talks about her chaotic days with her five kids and how sometimes she feels like she can't handle it all. Although my kiddos are all fairly small still, she brought me back to those days, which are becoming fewer (thankfully).

The last five years (really the last 10) has been a time of fog filled, harried and chaotic days. Patrick never slept until he was about 8 years old. From when we brought him home he would cry right as I bent over to put him down in his cradle. He also would never take a bottle. The kid was a boob man! One with lactose intolerance to boot. As a result there wasn't much I could eat and my weight dropped to less than what I was in high school. A weight so low that my brothers commented that I was too thin and that they were worried about me.

Sean came along just short of two years later. He was a FABULOUS sleeper~that is until Patrick's night terrors started waking him at night (the story of the night terrors are an entire blog post in itself). When those began I would have to bring both boys into my bed at night to get any semblance of sleep.

Then wanting another baby very badly, and much before Sean turned two, I was pregnant again when he was a year. This pregnancy was going along wonderfully until I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. In addition to the sleep deprivation and exhaustion from working part time and caring for an infant and a toddler, I soon plunged into a deep, anxiety ridden depression. This time was by far the worst time of my life. It lasted for 6+ months and I don't know how I ever made it through~nor how my husband and kids did (also a post for another day). In addition to the depression I got pregnant during this time. Fortunately I received great treatment and was on the mend before the baby was born.

Caroline was an easy baby, except for the sleep. She was more like Patrick than Sean in the sleep department. Not too long after she was born we had three in the bed with us. I can barely remember those nights because of the sleep deprivation.

When she was six months old we decided to move. For some crazy reason I thought I could take on a fixer upper. I had a "vision" I told my husband. He didn't see it. I hurried to renovate the house so that the "vision" I spoke of could be seen and my husband wouldn't hate me for insisting on buying this house. The vision took almost 8 months~this for only the kitchen and two bathrooms. The contractor put us on the backburner for larger projects and made my life miserable! By the time the house was done I was pregnant with the twins and the others were 1, 3 & 5.

The twins sucked the absolute life out of me. I was blue, lethargic, exhausted, had magnified sciatic nerve pain on both sides of my back and ate like a horse. I suffered a root canal and pneumonia during my prenancy with them as well. I slept every day and nearly all weekend when the hubby was home. We got NOTHING done on the house during this time. My poor boys sat locked in my bedroom in front of the tv that summer for hours while I slept.

The babies came at 39 weeks (yeah, I didn't even get bedrest or an early end to it all). They were WONDERFUL sleepers until almost their 2nd birthday. Shortly before they began climbing out of their cribs and into my bed. They have been with us ever since.

My weight after four pregnancies is another issue entirely. At the end of having all of these kids I was 44 pounds heavier than I had ever been in my life. I had trouble breathing at time and felt sluggish.

At times I still have four (sometimes five) kids in bed with me. Even with everything we've been through~we've made it and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am enjoying them all more each day~with a twinge of sadness that they have gotten so big so fast. BUT things are easier. My house which has been a disgusting mess for the last five years is getting organized, I'm purging what is not needed, I am back to myself. Myself used to be an organized, type a personality. I am glad to be on that track again (not nutty though~lol)! I am back to work and enjoying it. I am able to have coherent conversations with people without looking and sounding like I am going to fall asleep during a conversation! I can look them in the eye and actually understand what they are talking about. AND I am losing weight! I feel and look better than I have in a long time! It is nice to be at this place and have five healthy, happy kids.

Although I don't think she needs my sympathy because of her great sense of humor, I do feel for the other blogger because I recall the days of losing keys, missing appointments because I couldn't get it all together, walking around like a zombie and just hibernating in my house because I just didn't want to deal with anything more than I had on my plate at home (ok, she may not be as out of sorts as I am so I speak for myself only). Those days are nearing an end~with a bit of saddness~and a lot of excitement. I am enjoying my kids more and I hope they are enjoying me!